it's a losing battle

wrote an entire post of how much i hate the rain and accidentally erased it because I GOT HIGH.


it's drizzling now and from the look of it (or rather, i look up and see the sky), it ain't pretty. it's gonna be raining cats and dogs in let's say 2 hours time?


back to the topic. i was driving yesterday and suddenly i realized i lost interest in men (no! i'm not a lesbian). macam if a cute guy pass by, i just look and that's it. no more "gosh-he's-so-cute-imma-marry-him" sensation. macam in a meeting, there's a decent looking engineer ka apa, macam haram no mood ok. don't even bother to look juak. i wish it's food that i lost my interest in. why la like that?


lepas yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, i read Dear John. habis dah. part nya begerek sik ku duli gilak. part John jaga bapak nya bila bapak  nya sakit terok pasya sik lamak, lalu ninggal nang sedeh lah. pasya bila nya balit carik Savannah just to find out that she's married, kesian lahhh. nya lalu single sampei bila-bila. aku maok juak orang molah ku macam ya. ahahha. mun dah nikah, gik ingat ngan aku sebab aku tok one true love nya. nya lah ya. can ah? it's just book. not gonna happen in real life ok. real life sucks.


pasya this morning and many many mornings ago, lam radio mala jak klaka hal relationship. why ah? why? i know relationship is a good topic, something interesting even but what about people who are not in a relationship like me? or many others who are single? who does not believe in the "power" of love? how laaaa? it's annoying OK. i want out. so, i put on my cd, and then cilaka the cd got Sampai Syurga.mp3 in it. Took another cd, pressed play and all the sappy songs started to blared out from the stereo. Why lah i have all the sedeh2 songs? Oh i remember now, it wasnt sedeh when i got the cd and now it's just tearing me apart OK.


On another note, my mucus is still green. not good. not good at all! and almost the whole office kena flu bug or whatever bugs that's kena-ing us, it kena us good lah.


And i dreamt that my handphone hilang coz i left it somewhere. i cant afford to lose my phone now coz I CANT FREAKIN AFFORD TO BUY AN IPHONE as a new phone. Hilang also no use, cant get iphone maaaaaaaaaa. i wish i got no car, at least i can buy the damn phone lah!! or i go apply for credit card. then i go celcom get the damn phone and yaaaayyy!! mission accomplished. if life is that easy. later have to pay oso! cilaka. save money later something happen need to withdraw money. cilaka!! i need iphone demmit! OK..calm down. oohhhmmmm... this is not me talking, this is my sub-conscious punya crap maok iphone. fuhhhh


OK lah, moving on to a more realistic dream. My shoes almost died on me (nazak sudah) and i'm super broke now thinking about it (so hebat ah, think only can get broke). of course i wanted a GOOD SHOES that can last me 10 years (thinking about Hush Puppies, Clarks lah apa lah) but then, tidak mampu!!! i went lah to SOS (ye le, Kuching bah, the only place that got canggih super power shoes semua kat SOS) then i think maybe BATA cukup lah. not a manager, so dont bother lah. if i could, i wanna wear sneakers to work. IF I COULD LAH but I COULDNT. Booo!!!


OK. enough rambling. I want to have super power. Not my eyes so ngantok. Wish i can sleep, obat work your magic for tonight can?

Where do I begin? (#YOLO effect)

Regret.

Regrets.

YOLO stands for YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE. Now you knowwww.

OK, back to the main reason of updating this blog (coz I have a lot on my mind).

Regret. Yes. R E G R E T.

I hate living. I hate my life but I'm scared of death. So, I will not kill myself coz it's stupid and embarrassing. I humiliated myself way too many times and that (suicide) is not one of them.

People kept telling me that I should be grateful with what I have/had. Yes, I am but if I'm not happy should I fake it so the others will be able to live their life? And my life has no worth/value to you issit?

Everyone have their ups and down and you are not welcome to "remind" me of how lucky I am because I am not. Lucky in my context are:

a) becoming a straight As student (yeah you worked hard and I studied too but still every time I answered the damn questions, all my answers were wrong! I wanna be an engineer (yes that's my "ambition", why I stayed and fucked my youth for 2 damn years in science stream?) damn it! Now I'm stuck wif Business Degree coz I suck at all these fucking calculation subjects. And wif business degree, I'm not that business minded. Arrrggghhh)

b) high spending power without even trying. (geddit?! Ambik and goooo to the counter and just pay w/out even bother to think about what will happen to me in the next 28 days until the next payday).

c) getting a second chance for PTD interview w/out having to go through the entire tedious process AGAIN (some people are fucking lucky coz they got called again for INTERVIEW only. Arghhh). you might say why PTD? just stick with what u do best lah, be a kuli. OK smarty pants, i only live once so I want the best for me. In this case to be a PTD coz of its perks. Why settle for less when you can go all the way to the top? But who am I kidding? It's not meant to be for me. I better not be alive lahhhh!

d) born with beauty and brain
I have none!

That is all for now.

Work is stressing me out! Again!

No, it's not work. It's PEOPLE stresses me OUT.

Sent from my iPod

I just want to talk...OK?!

Tadik aku masok Sarawak Plaza (SP), pasya alu kuar lagu This I Promise You. Sangat nostalgic OK. Rasa nak balit zaman 2001 macam ya, zaman aku gik kurus.Sebab cun di Lea Centre ya ada cermin, down ku nanggar dirik ku. Dan aku berkata kepada diriku,


"Damn! When did I become so damn ugly?" Where did this belly comes from? "


Stress gila OK. Eh, tok video clip This I promise You sebelom aku lupak. 11 tahun yang lalu, aku dah sik ingat gnei rupa video clip nya. Nasib ada You Tube.





Lepas ya, aku tuurn ke Everise. Sik ku tauk pa ku carik. Oh yes, eskrem koneto. Nemu lah apek ala-ala nok kedak nunggu tren rah Mid Valley. OK lah, daripada sekda nak ku tanggar. Pasyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aku down, cibai lah perut boroi tok, kedak org prego 5 bulan, ngan sakit rahang ntah apa2 ntah, nyruuh ku emo nak nangis jak. MAcam worthless jak idup. Erghhh!! Bila down, aku nak makan agik. Celaka sik? Balit rumah aku makan macam apa jak. Ishhhh.


So, kinek tok aku down. PErut masih boroi. Bila pakei baju, nampak hodoh. Kacak nei pun baju ya, aku akan jadi hodoh juak bila makei. Aku sik lah mintak puji, aku maok aku suka nanggar dirik ku. Aku sik maok nak ngelak cermin atau apa2 jak reflection dirik ku sebab mata ku sakit nanggar dirik ku OK.


Dah, emo post gotta end here. Sekda orang sedap mata memandang ritok. Eeeeee!!~

so many things, empty pocket, too much time, so many annoying people

First off, I want this watch. I want it so bad I don care if you tell me it's not fakkin worth it. Saya mahu!!

New Gent Lacquered (www.swatch.com)

I want it in white. Sik maok kuning, walaupun sebenarnya kunin ya kacak juak. Dah dahhh!!


It's payday and I'm already broke. Ohhhh mengapa?? Macam cibai lahhh hidup tok. Pasya cerita CUEPECS gik. Ingat nyawa nya jak, nyawa kamek orang keja kompeni tok sik pikir kah? Eeeeee. Bukan nya kamek orang tok rami keja MNC (gaji ribu riban dapat meli baju mahal2) di Kuching tok. Nak ikat perut pun sik mampu sebab sik pat nak diikat agik. Klak aku coba makan batu, dapat kah sik, sik ku tauk. Nait gaji sidak keja gamen, mampuslah orang keja kompeni kedak kamek orang tok. Harus lah aku sik makan, pasya jadi tai tai, body kacak, jadi model. Yahhh!! Verangan kooooh.


Macam orang lain dapat ikat perut bejimat kumpol duit, pasya meli segala iphone lah, perfume lah. Aku dah tryyyyyyyyyy, pasya ada jak agenda yang memerlukan duit. Cibai lah. Kali mun aku sekda kereta, boleh ku ber-iphone. Mun aku bayar bulan ajak tapi sik payah meli minyak, boleh kali. Atau mun opis ku belakang rumah bok minyak ku jimat.



Pasya, orang nok mean (jaik bukan mean mean) ngan aku, nak nikah.Adalah duak tiga orang. Aku nok kiut dari segi size sekda orang maok kah? Wakakakakak Sik adalah. Sik perlu!!! Aku maok orang sweet, caring sensitive to my needs, sik perlulah rupa kedak Lee Hom atau Hawick Lau, janji bait - eksen jer tuh, mun macam nya 2 ya, mek sudi nak jadi gerek kitak kohhhh. Sanggup mek blaja kantonis dan mendalamkan ilmu huayu kohhh (celakars, banyak juak demand ko tek? Ko ingat ko kacak? Ko ya PHD? Ko ya genius? Ko ya golongan pandei sekolah? CGPA ciput jer, jangan berangan, FOREVER ALONE cukup!) Aihhhh. Aku tok sik bait, tapi entah lahhhhhhhh. Eeeeeeeeeeee. Mun nanggar kondisi kewangan aku tok nei mampu nak nikah. Jangan kata nak nikah, nak begerek pun sik mampu. Hadiah, sms, emosi terganggu. Semua ada. Emosi is a part of expenses too you know. Mun terganggu, harus ngeluar duit, polah retail therapy. Kimak lah semua ini.


Gigi ku sakit. Dentist madah gigi sensitive. Maiyama mahal ada jak filling nya. Celakars alu setengah medical ku aben. Ahhhh. Jangan jak sakit mahal macam cibai tok. Pasya masih sakit. Dalam sakit sakit lah ku ngerepak tok.


Apa gik lam palak ku tok? Aok, PTPTN. Mun ku tauk bagus ku iboh minjam. Biar aku sik mampu beli buku text, janji aku sik berutang macam tok. Lain lah mun aku tek blaja oversea, uni nok kaw kaw kaw. Nak kah duit k mayar ya aku dapat simpan, k meli iphone. Dolok sik maok blaja mena, sak dpt sekolarsip, sik payah bayar balit.

Aok. Aku maok iPhone 4s juak. Raget tek nakkk. (apple store malaysia)

Sikkkkkk, tauk bodo maok juak masok university. Sak pasya bila molah keja group, orang sik maok dengar ko pun suggestions (sebab ko bukan miak DL, ko sik ngapal text book time exam, ko tido jak, tapi lecturer mala madah ko dapat high score - part last ya menar aieee, untuk setengah2 subject jak lah) walaupun bestfriend kau masa diploma adalah best student dip in banking, orang anggap ko bodo juak sebab best student bukan kau. Aihhh, makin panjanggggggggggg ngerepaks.


Pasya, masa degree ko cayak juak mun lekcerer ya madah, dengar ajak nya ngajar, konfem dapat jawap soalan final. Aih, nya bukan madah dpt A, madah pat jawap ajak. Maka aku tauk, mun aku ngapal buku teks konfem aku akan jadi miak Anugerah diRaja / Anugerah Galaksi / Anugerah Queen Elizabeth segala (betapa shallow nya otak, sik pat nerimak jawapn kreatif inovatif student macam aku - sak jak mala madah think outside the box tapi jawapan masih lam dinding buku text. what de fuck ? )


OK apa gik? Aok, aku takut mati koh. Dolok maok juak ku nak mati (iman sik koat gik mudak konon) sebab aku rasa aku loser (kinek tok sama juak loser) sekda makna nak idup. Sampei aku takut nak jogging sebab takut datang ampus lekak berekot (mun aku sorang lah, mun ngan kawan, konfem ku bejalan jak) lalu koma pasya lalu mampus (sik sempat bertaubat, sik sempat nak merasa makei tudung kacak, sik sempat nak rasa kacak makei tudung). Aaaaa. Pasya mukak niuspaper mala jak nangga hal mati umor2 kedak aku tok. Bukak fb ada gik miak umor aku ninggal. Aihhh, aku lom cukup amalan nak diembak mati aihh. Eeee mek takut. SApa madah nya berani mati, nang aku salute kauuu.

www.scarfsweethoney.com

Percayalah, mun aku makei tudung, ala-ala macam tok rupa aku. Btw, tudung tok kacak. Mun nak turning a new leaf tok, maok beli baju baru gik, nukar isik baju gik, nak improvise baju kinek tok klak rupa kedak miak tadika kelakkkkkkkkk.


Aaaaa.. gigi ku sakit. Eeeeee. Oh, aku polah pact ngan kawan ku, mun ada non muslim single klak ku pas ngan nya, klak mun ada cina maok convert, nya pas ngan aku. Ekekekeke..


Kedong aku tek maok legacy sepet diteruskan lam family. Aku maok anak ku putih, walaupun muka jaik tapi kulit licin sebab nya nurun mak ku suka makan oren / limo. Aihh melelat. OK. Sakit gigi maka dah tampong. Choi!!! Tido lok. Esok nak ke perodua ngembak gerek ku kaler medallion grey ya sebis. Choi!!! Ngabis duit jak ehhh!! Choiii!!!

Every single day...this came to mind...

“The reason I called is to tell you how I feel about you. I know we didn’t work out the first time and I know it doesn’t make any sense but I can’t shake this feeling that we belong together. Is there any part of you that wants to try again?” 

How I Met Your Mother, Season 7, Episode 1, 2012 (Barney / Robin)

"Do you realize there are only two options for our future together? It's either we break up or get married." (Strangers Again, Wong Fu Productions, 2011)

And most of my acquaintances are opting for the latter. and my option is to attend the reception or tuck away in a corner of the house and cry. IDK. I'm just tired with work I guess. Not that I'm super duper busy, I'm tired with PEOPLE who work so damn hard to make other suffers at work. That leads to my current state of mind - super emo. and looking at happy couples makes my emo-meter raise to the highest level. Ahhhhh!!!

"I think, that if life separates us, and we end up in totally different places, we’ll always remember when our paths aligned for this period of time, and I’ll be thankful for that, and hope that wherever you are, you’ll be thankful too, and I think that’s the best we can wish for"

Josh (Strangers Again, 2011) 

FOREVER A LOAN (pun intended ;P) Ryan Higa you are a genius!! ahaks

Especially for Ms. WJ

Happy Birthday babe =)


May this beautiful day brings you joy, laughter and lots and lotsssssss of love. God Bless :)

Skyscraper - Demi Lavato

"Do you have to make me feel like there's nothing left of me?"
-Skyscrapper, Demi Lavato.

The Harmony Silk Factory

"These are the things I have already lost, I know, but what will happen to the memories? Will they remain, or will they slowly fade away as old photographs do, blenched to nothingness by sunlight?"
-The Harmony Silk Factory, 2005, pg 137.

finally, i found what i have been looking for..for so loooooong :)

No words can describe how I felt when I saw it on a shelf, staring at me. I had to buy it, right at that very moment.





How I wish Kino is in Kuching and as amazing as the one at KLCC. I am content, for now :)